The Art of Parental Love: Loving with Wisdom
What hinders true learning is often not ignorance, but pride. In this third reflection on the Dao De Jing, we explore how Laozi’s wisdom gently guides us beyond the ego’s need to appear right or superior. True teaching, he suggests, flows not from authority but from humility—the way rivers lie low to receive. In both classroom and life, education ripens when we create space for students to let down their guard, to feel seen rather than judged. This is the subtle art of teaching without words, and leading without force.
1/19/20253 min read
"Misfortune is what fortune leans on;
Fortune is what misfortune hides in.
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Conquering others takes strength; conquering yourself takes true power.
Contentment is true wealth.
Those who persevere have strong will.
Those who wish to shrink something must first expand it.
Those who wish to weaken something must first strengthen it.
Those who wish to abandon something must first promote it.
Those who wish to take must first give.
This is called subtle wisdom."
— Dao De Jing (Selected passages)
In our times, the term "Post-80s generation" carries deep significance.
Children born in the 1980s experienced a drastically different upbringing compared to previous generations:
Many were only children.
They grew up in a time of rising living standards.
These fortunate circumstances granted them relatively happy childhoods.
Yet, as Laozi so wisely observed, blessings often hide dangers, and hardship often hides blessings.
A seemingly fortunate childhood can sometimes breed future difficulties, while hardships endured in youth often lay the foundation for future success.
This profound insight from the Dao De Jing offers important lessons for education today.
Loving Wisely, Not Blindly
Love is the greatest teacher, and parental love is among the purest and most powerful forms of love in this world.
However, unchecked indulgence can lead to harsh consequences.
No matter how noble a parent's intentions, overprotectiveness often backfires, leaving children ill-prepared for real life.
So how should we love?
Love, too, is an art. Love must follow the Dao.
The old saying "poor children mature early" reflects a painful necessity.
Similarly, the adage "wealth does not last beyond three generations" captures a recurring truth: unchecked comfort weakens resilience.
Both are real-world manifestations of Laozi’s wisdom: blessings and misfortunes are intertwined.
In Strategies of the Warring States, a famous Chinese classic, an old minister, Chulong, advised Queen Dowager Zhao:
Although she loved her youngest son dearly, she realized that true love required making difficult choices — sending him away as a political hostage to secure their state’s future.
Even a royal prince could not expect to survive and thrive on privilege alone.
How much more true this is for today’s so-called "little emperors" and "little princesses"!
Ultimately, whether in noble houses or ordinary families, the principles of the Dao are universal.
The Two Sides of Education: Love and Toughness
True education must balance love with challenge.
A person must become strong to be independent, and only through independence can one survive and thrive.
Therefore, education should always aim to:
Teach children how to live honorably.
Develop practical survival skills.
Instill respect for others and a sense of responsibility.
Prepare them to fight life’s real battles — especially the battle against themselves: against laziness, against selfish desires, against rigid thinking.
As Laozi puts it: "Conquering others takes strength; conquering yourself takes true power." This inner battle — self-cultivation — is the core task of life itself.
The ancient classic The Great Learning also emphasized: "From the Son of Heaven down to the commoner, self-cultivation is the foundation."
The Parent’s Inner Battle
Before educating their children, parents must first conquer themselves.
They must overcome the blind desire to grant every wish, to shield their children from all hardship.
True love demands restraint:
Giving within limits.
Removing excessive comforts.
Strengthening, not weakening, their children's willpower.
As Laozi teaches: "Those who wish to take must first give." Applied to parenting, this also means: "Those who wish to give must first know when to take away."
Only by pulling back from indulgence can parents truly give their children a lasting blessing — the ability to stand tall and thrive on their own.
Thus, to love wisely is to love with the long view in mind. Parental love, guided by the Dao, becomes not just affection, but true empowerment.